Who is the Greatest?
August 17th 2006 10:40
The Super 14 Rugby Championship has been decided and in theory the Crusaders are the champs. But is this really the case? In the terrible fog obscuring the final anything could have happened and we can’t be sure that the best team won. From Timaru to Timbuktu and Lake Macquarie to Loch Ness, from Mount Everest to the Grand Canyon, there’s only one question on everyone’s lips. Which team is the greatest? We can’t replay the game but we can find out the answer and fog be damned. For the first time ever the two heavyweights of provincial rugby go head to head in the most demanding examination ever seen in the history of the game. For one team, glory. The other, despair. Watch now as the Crusaders and the Hurricanes decide…
WHO IS THE GREATEST?
ALL BLACK CAPTAIN-NESS
The Hurricanes put up a brave show here, but have been let down by the fact that the only All Black captain in their team is retired. Jerry Collins has been named captain for the test against Argentina in a week’s time but as that game hasn’t actually happened yet, they gain nothing. Fortunately for the Crusaders the current All Black captain IS in their team, along with a former one, but he lost a World Cup, so nobody talks about that anymore.
Crusaders 6 Hurricanes 3
HAIRSTYLES
The Crusaders may have won more games than the Hurricanes but when it comes to hair, well, they just don’t cut it. Or maybe they cut it too much. The ‘Canes backline boasts two sets of dreadlocks in the centres and the always amusing Piri Weepu “I couldn’t afford the whole bottle” dye job. “Mr Reliable” David Holwell came back from the U.K sporting a semi-mullet, and when he isn’t playing they lose nothing off the bench as replacement five-eighth Jimmy Gopperth is obviously no stranger to the hair gel and bleach. Even the Hurricanes forwards have taken to hairstyling like the proverbial fat kid on his cup-cake. Rodney So’oialo’s untamed mop, Chris Masoe’s greasy jerry curls, Jason “the human mullet” Eaton, Neemia Tialata’s white feather fringe or the timeless simplicity of Joe McDonnell’s bum part ensures there’s always a silly ‘do in view for the ‘Canes. One mustn’t forget natural disasters either, as Paul Tito gets in on the act by being ginger. For the Crusaders, only Rico Gear’s mild mohawk/mullet hybrid raises a blip on the screen, which simply isn’t enough against such overwhelming opposition. After all, Jerry Collins’ ridiculous “pint of Guinness” head is enough to win this one on it’s own.
Crusaders 0 Hurricanes 9
LOOSE FORWARD CHEATING
The Crusaders main man in the loose Richie McCaw is widely regarded as the premier open side flanker in world rugby. He is also widely regarded as being the biggest cheat in the game. Critics all over the world (and in New Zealand when the All Blacks aren’t playing) claim that this is the real reason behind Richie’s prowess at the breakdown. Crusader’s number eight Mose Tuiali’i also comes under the spotlight amidst claims of a dodgy high-tackling style, and is joined by blindside flanker Johnny Leo‘o in breaking the rule that people with commas in their last name should have one in their first name too. The ’Canes are let down badly here, as their loose-forward unit is simply a mountain of angry Samoan-born muscle. Thugs yes, but cheats? Sadly, no.
Crusaders 6 Hurricanes 3
WESTERN FORCE-NESS
The Western Force kept us amused all season as the best winning talent bought, stolen and sneaked from all over Australia discovered what it was like to be part of a genuinely unsuccessful team. Canterbury teams are well known for snapping up talent from all over New Zealand and turning them into the heroes of Christchurch. From the moment Aucklander James Kerr scored the Crusader’s winning try in their first Super 12 final, out of towner’s like Justin Marshall, Todd Blackadder, Afa’ato Soalo, Norm Maxwell, and Marika Vunibaka have become Crusaders legends. This year the Crusaders had 12 ring-ins, including All Blacks Corey Flynn, Leon MacDonald, Rico Gear and Caleb Ralph. This truly impressive example of stealing talent is barely challenged by the Hurricanes who claim only two draft players. Unfortunately for the ‘Canes, not only are the Crusaders genuine masters of player thievery, but they also have terrible results in common with the Force, finishing last in 1996.
Crusaders 7 Hurricanes 3
SUPER RUGBY CHAMPIONSHIPS
The Crusaders make a strong start here by being the most successful team in Super Rugby history, with six titles to their name. The Hurricanes put up a good fight, but lose points by not having won any championships. Ever.
Crusaders 8 Hurricanes 0
FIGHTING WITH HANDBAGS AND CRYING ABILITY
Lookout everyone! The Hurricanes burst back into the game here with a very high score. Whilst the Hurricanes are famous all over the world for getting drunk and hitting each other with women’s fashion accessories, none of the Crusaders have ever been seen so much as throwing a compact make-up case at a team-mate. Nor is there any record of a Crusader bursting into tears whilst being led out of a bar by a female security guard. The Hurricanes however, do all this with style and as a result scoop the pool in this category and finish the bout with a high-scoring round.
Crusaders 0 Hurricanes 10
The battle is over and who has emerged from the smoke, or fog, as the REAL Super 14 Champion? The Hurricanes have blown the Crusaders away 28 to 27, sealed in the last round with an amazing ten out of ten performance in drunken buffoonery. Bad luck to the Crusaders who put up a brave fight all the way. In the end the Crusaders’ lack of experience showed and it’s time for Robbie and the boys to go back to the drawing board and get some specialist coaching. I hear there’s an ex-Waratahs winger looking for a job…
WHO IS THE GREATEST?
ALL BLACK CAPTAIN-NESS
The Hurricanes put up a brave show here, but have been let down by the fact that the only All Black captain in their team is retired. Jerry Collins has been named captain for the test against Argentina in a week’s time but as that game hasn’t actually happened yet, they gain nothing. Fortunately for the Crusaders the current All Black captain IS in their team, along with a former one, but he lost a World Cup, so nobody talks about that anymore.
Crusaders 6 Hurricanes 3
HAIRSTYLES
The Crusaders may have won more games than the Hurricanes but when it comes to hair, well, they just don’t cut it. Or maybe they cut it too much. The ‘Canes backline boasts two sets of dreadlocks in the centres and the always amusing Piri Weepu “I couldn’t afford the whole bottle” dye job. “Mr Reliable” David Holwell came back from the U.K sporting a semi-mullet, and when he isn’t playing they lose nothing off the bench as replacement five-eighth Jimmy Gopperth is obviously no stranger to the hair gel and bleach. Even the Hurricanes forwards have taken to hairstyling like the proverbial fat kid on his cup-cake. Rodney So’oialo’s untamed mop, Chris Masoe’s greasy jerry curls, Jason “the human mullet” Eaton, Neemia Tialata’s white feather fringe or the timeless simplicity of Joe McDonnell’s bum part ensures there’s always a silly ‘do in view for the ‘Canes. One mustn’t forget natural disasters either, as Paul Tito gets in on the act by being ginger. For the Crusaders, only Rico Gear’s mild mohawk/mullet hybrid raises a blip on the screen, which simply isn’t enough against such overwhelming opposition. After all, Jerry Collins’ ridiculous “pint of Guinness” head is enough to win this one on it’s own.
Crusaders 0 Hurricanes 9
LOOSE FORWARD CHEATING
The Crusaders main man in the loose Richie McCaw is widely regarded as the premier open side flanker in world rugby. He is also widely regarded as being the biggest cheat in the game. Critics all over the world (and in New Zealand when the All Blacks aren’t playing) claim that this is the real reason behind Richie’s prowess at the breakdown. Crusader’s number eight Mose Tuiali’i also comes under the spotlight amidst claims of a dodgy high-tackling style, and is joined by blindside flanker Johnny Leo‘o in breaking the rule that people with commas in their last name should have one in their first name too. The ’Canes are let down badly here, as their loose-forward unit is simply a mountain of angry Samoan-born muscle. Thugs yes, but cheats? Sadly, no.
Crusaders 6 Hurricanes 3
WESTERN FORCE-NESS
The Western Force kept us amused all season as the best winning talent bought, stolen and sneaked from all over Australia discovered what it was like to be part of a genuinely unsuccessful team. Canterbury teams are well known for snapping up talent from all over New Zealand and turning them into the heroes of Christchurch. From the moment Aucklander James Kerr scored the Crusader’s winning try in their first Super 12 final, out of towner’s like Justin Marshall, Todd Blackadder, Afa’ato Soalo, Norm Maxwell, and Marika Vunibaka have become Crusaders legends. This year the Crusaders had 12 ring-ins, including All Blacks Corey Flynn, Leon MacDonald, Rico Gear and Caleb Ralph. This truly impressive example of stealing talent is barely challenged by the Hurricanes who claim only two draft players. Unfortunately for the ‘Canes, not only are the Crusaders genuine masters of player thievery, but they also have terrible results in common with the Force, finishing last in 1996.
Crusaders 7 Hurricanes 3
SUPER RUGBY CHAMPIONSHIPS
The Crusaders make a strong start here by being the most successful team in Super Rugby history, with six titles to their name. The Hurricanes put up a good fight, but lose points by not having won any championships. Ever.
Crusaders 8 Hurricanes 0
FIGHTING WITH HANDBAGS AND CRYING ABILITY
Lookout everyone! The Hurricanes burst back into the game here with a very high score. Whilst the Hurricanes are famous all over the world for getting drunk and hitting each other with women’s fashion accessories, none of the Crusaders have ever been seen so much as throwing a compact make-up case at a team-mate. Nor is there any record of a Crusader bursting into tears whilst being led out of a bar by a female security guard. The Hurricanes however, do all this with style and as a result scoop the pool in this category and finish the bout with a high-scoring round.
Crusaders 0 Hurricanes 10
The battle is over and who has emerged from the smoke, or fog, as the REAL Super 14 Champion? The Hurricanes have blown the Crusaders away 28 to 27, sealed in the last round with an amazing ten out of ten performance in drunken buffoonery. Bad luck to the Crusaders who put up a brave fight all the way. In the end the Crusaders’ lack of experience showed and it’s time for Robbie and the boys to go back to the drawing board and get some specialist coaching. I hear there’s an ex-Waratahs winger looking for a job…
| 83 |
| Vote |
