university holidaze
August 31st 2006 10:15
I write a column in the Queensland University of Technology magazine, called the queensland university of blokery. Here is the latest one I've done. It'll be published in about 6 weeks, just before uni finishes for the year. Check it out. If you like it, let me know and I'll post the other ones I've done.
QUB # 5
The university year is coming to close and that means a dearth of academic stimulations and challenges. For a demographic of people used to asking questions and being questioned every day, this could tear a gaping chasm in the deepest fabric of our souls… or at least leave us with a bit of time on our hands.
Here are some questions to keep you busy over the break, just random thoughts from the bloke’s locker room to think about. I’ll add that these thoughts, whilst blokey, are open to consideration by females also. I am aware that girls also have trouble with housework, enjoy drinking and like to perv.
First up is laundry. Fitted sheets are fantastic because they cut down work tucking-in wise, but there is one obstacle – how the hell do you fold them? I saw a girl do it once, but didn’t pay attention as I was busy thinking about getting her to do the rest of my laundry.
As for ironing, forget about it. It takes me ages, and when I’m done my shirt looks like dirty hankies. I just try to claim that the iron and ironing boards don’t work properly because I’m left-handed.
The next issue is flies. Not winged insects, they can’t be studied on paper, only in practical research situations like BBQs and outdoor toilet use. I’m talking about zippered or buttoned openings in one’s pants. We’ve all been caught in public with our fly open and the first reaction, after closing it, is to think back to the last time it was opened legitimately. 99% of the time it was 30 to 60 minutes earlier when you had a wee-wee, but sometimes ALOT longer. This raises questions – who saw? Where did they see? But mainly, why didn’t they say anything? I think they’re either too embarrassed or enjoying your embarrassment too much. For me it’s definitely the latter.
If you watch channel 10, you’re probably familiar with Sandra Sully. Her voice contains the rich, authoritative and seductive timbre that makes her a channel 10 figurehead of Bert Newton-like proportions. Now, I ask you to follow me into the minefield of political correct-ness by considering (very quietly and in a plain brown paper bag) the question - would she be a good phone sex worker and how much would you pay to hear it? Now let’s move on incredibly quickly…
It always happens and I don’t know why, but I get disappointed to read the profile of a supermodel/hot celebrity/barmaid of the month etc in a magazine and discover that she has a boyfriend. I know I’m never going to even meet these girls, let alone have the chance of an amorous encounter, but I still feel cheated. Psychology students are welcome to explain why I react like this and any other students are welcome to tell me that it’s only a matter of time before I do have a supermodel girlfriend.
Finally some quick-fire questions/topics to discuss, ask yourself and maybe do some research on in your holidays.
1. Pint, Schooner, pot or stubby – which is the most comfortable, cost-effective, labour-saving and debonair drinking vessel/fashion accessory?
2. Why are female swimmers more buff than me?
3. Which hot dog is better – 7-11 or Niteowl?
4. No matter how late you stay up, you’ll never see any decent amount of nudity on free-to-air TV.
5. Emos – gas chamber or lethal injection?
6. Is it worthwhile learning a few key Norwegian phrases to use on attractive exchange students next semester?
7. “All Out of Love” by Air Supply is better than anything by Wolfmother.
8. Wash your sheets when they start smelling like ass-crust and shoe or when they crack as you lie down?
9. One day, the frying pan will wash itself.
10. Will you earn more money working a casual holiday job or picking up loose change on the floors of the pubs you drink at?
If you feel the need, you can email your thoughts via cirQUTry, to ojwypych@hotmail.com , or just close the magazine and use it as a coaster.
QUB # 5
The university year is coming to close and that means a dearth of academic stimulations and challenges. For a demographic of people used to asking questions and being questioned every day, this could tear a gaping chasm in the deepest fabric of our souls… or at least leave us with a bit of time on our hands.
Here are some questions to keep you busy over the break, just random thoughts from the bloke’s locker room to think about. I’ll add that these thoughts, whilst blokey, are open to consideration by females also. I am aware that girls also have trouble with housework, enjoy drinking and like to perv.
First up is laundry. Fitted sheets are fantastic because they cut down work tucking-in wise, but there is one obstacle – how the hell do you fold them? I saw a girl do it once, but didn’t pay attention as I was busy thinking about getting her to do the rest of my laundry.
As for ironing, forget about it. It takes me ages, and when I’m done my shirt looks like dirty hankies. I just try to claim that the iron and ironing boards don’t work properly because I’m left-handed.
The next issue is flies. Not winged insects, they can’t be studied on paper, only in practical research situations like BBQs and outdoor toilet use. I’m talking about zippered or buttoned openings in one’s pants. We’ve all been caught in public with our fly open and the first reaction, after closing it, is to think back to the last time it was opened legitimately. 99% of the time it was 30 to 60 minutes earlier when you had a wee-wee, but sometimes ALOT longer. This raises questions – who saw? Where did they see? But mainly, why didn’t they say anything? I think they’re either too embarrassed or enjoying your embarrassment too much. For me it’s definitely the latter.
If you watch channel 10, you’re probably familiar with Sandra Sully. Her voice contains the rich, authoritative and seductive timbre that makes her a channel 10 figurehead of Bert Newton-like proportions. Now, I ask you to follow me into the minefield of political correct-ness by considering (very quietly and in a plain brown paper bag) the question - would she be a good phone sex worker and how much would you pay to hear it? Now let’s move on incredibly quickly…
It always happens and I don’t know why, but I get disappointed to read the profile of a supermodel/hot celebrity/barmaid of the month etc in a magazine and discover that she has a boyfriend. I know I’m never going to even meet these girls, let alone have the chance of an amorous encounter, but I still feel cheated. Psychology students are welcome to explain why I react like this and any other students are welcome to tell me that it’s only a matter of time before I do have a supermodel girlfriend.
Finally some quick-fire questions/topics to discuss, ask yourself and maybe do some research on in your holidays.
1. Pint, Schooner, pot or stubby – which is the most comfortable, cost-effective, labour-saving and debonair drinking vessel/fashion accessory?
2. Why are female swimmers more buff than me?
3. Which hot dog is better – 7-11 or Niteowl?
4. No matter how late you stay up, you’ll never see any decent amount of nudity on free-to-air TV.
5. Emos – gas chamber or lethal injection?
6. Is it worthwhile learning a few key Norwegian phrases to use on attractive exchange students next semester?
7. “All Out of Love” by Air Supply is better than anything by Wolfmother.
8. Wash your sheets when they start smelling like ass-crust and shoe or when they crack as you lie down?
9. One day, the frying pan will wash itself.
10. Will you earn more money working a casual holiday job or picking up loose change on the floors of the pubs you drink at?
If you feel the need, you can email your thoughts via cirQUTry, to ojwypych@hotmail.com , or just close the magazine and use it as a coaster.
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